When you fall in love, first you fall in love with love. Within a relationship the two are inextricably linked: Being intimate with your partner requires you to be open and honest with him or her, and it is from this state of intimacy that great sex grows. Or, the power of intimacy and sex may be bringing out insecurities that have lain dormant for years. It is difficult to really get to the bottom of this problem because no two people have exactly the same ideas on sex. In accessible language and through the liberal use of case material from therapy sessions, the authors show how clients can be helped to overcome these challenges and become physically and emotionally closer to their partners. Yet it is an aspect of relationships that is complex and sometimes fraught with difficulty. The good news is that most of us can have both.
Within a relationship the two are inextricably linked: Without intimacy, a partner cannot truly hurt you. This can sometimes be a hurdle in a relationship. Drawing on their forty years of combined clinical experience and a unique longitudinal study of couples and families, they propose that sexual problems are largely related to defenses acquired through painful childhood experiences. However, making love infers that there is intimacy and a degree of connection associated with the physical act. Yes, some give up on intimacy. Sex provides us with a wonderful way to connect with another to experience an ecstatic moment or luxuriate in the sensuality of another body. Intimacy can be cultivated in many ways, such as spending quality time together, enjoying physical, non-sexual contact, or enjoying shared interests and listening to each other. Is it time to give up on intimacy? If we carry these feelings to a sexual moment, intimacy can still triumph with intense closeness, but can also backfire into a wish not to be there. The self-sabotaging effects of this "fantasy bond"—an illusion of connection to the mother or primary caregiver—give rise to critical internal "voices. In a traditional framework, sex would come with long-term commitment, or marriage, which would be associated with the couple having an intimate connection with each other and usually wishing to procreate. Then you fall in love with a person. The good news is that most of us can have both. You really love her, but her criticism hurts too much. Sex with intimacy is the engine that makes a relationship sing. As you develop trust in your partner , and in yourself, you can let go and know that whatever happens today or tomorrow, you will be safe. Sex without intimacy is lovely. Or, the power of intimacy and sex may be bringing out insecurities that have lain dormant for years. Or does one lead to another? The challenge of intimacy is that you must transition to truly loving a person, and then ecstatically having sex with him or her. Within a relationship, sex is the most intimate act, but it can also be an act without consent, an act which is paid for, or a mere physical exchange. Sex or Making Love? It elevates sex to something spiritual. It is not the good solution or the optimal solution, but it can work.
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